Guilty Parents at Work
Niamh Farrell explores how the worries and guilt engendered by the lifestyles of working parents can significantly impact their productivity at work.
Woody Allen once said that 80% of success in life can be attributed to simply showing up. But a growing body of research indicates that – in the workplace, at least – this wry estimate may be somewhat optimistic. Researchers say that ‘presenteeism’ – the problem of workers being on the job, but not fully functioning – can cut individual productivity by one-third or more.
For many workers, domestic issues, childcare, and a barrage of parenting problems are likely to be key distracters from the job. Since 2003, a training company called The Learning Junction, has been helping organisations in Ireland to reduce the problem of presenteeism through workplace-based courses and workshops on becoming an effective working parent. In this article, we will identify the key concerns for working parents and provide some guidance to reduce the problem.
Before we explore the specifics, however, it is important to understand the context of the changing nature of work in modern day Ireland. The first trend we observe is simply the sheer number of working parents in the work force. In particular, the number of women with young children is significant. Many of these women are having children later in life and have high expectations of career fulfillment as well as success as working parents.
A second trend we notice is the changing role of fathers in terms of their relationship with their children. These days, we are more likely to see dads taking a keen interest in the development of their children and indeed they are much more involved in the day-to-day running of the household.
The third trend is how we spend our time as working parents. For many, financial pressures and other lifestyle issues mean that we are living a long way from where we work. This means longer travel commutes, a lengthening of the work day, and a shortening of the amount of time available with our children.
All in all, the impact of these trends, are resulting in more stress in the work place as employees are challenged to keep some balance between the demands of their work and their at-home lives. Is it any surprise then, that with these pressures, workers can be present in body, but absent in mind on the job?
We have identified five critical worries of working parents. These worries, we believe, play on the minds of workers and have an impact on their productivity.
Worry 1: I feel guilty for being a working parent
There is no doubt that having children changes ones perspective on life. Our sense of responsibility is altered and, for many people, it is a unique opportunity to really evaluate many aspects of their lives. In particular, the role of work and how we spend our time comes under the spotlight. Suddenly, working parents find themselves with competing demands on their time with new choices to be made.
In our experience, the moment someone becomes a working parent, it is essential that some reflection and re-evaluation takes place. For many people unfortunately, this re-evaluation does not happen, and the result is what can only be described as a strong feeling of “guilt.” The guilt comes from a perceived conflict between wanting to be the best parent one can be, while at the same time pursuing a successful career.
If these feelings are not addressed, there is often an increase in stress which impacts both on family and work life. If, however, there is an opportunity for working parents to honestly reflect on their unique life situation and to set realistic expectations, the guilt and stress can be easily managed.
Worry 2: Am I really a good parent?
For many of us, what we have learned about parenting comes from how we ourselves were parented. Therefore, when looking at our own role as parents, we tend to measure ourselves against our personal experiences.
The world, however, has changed significantly since we were children, and there is a danger of comparing ourselves with an unrealistic model of parenting. Working parents today face different challenges from the previous generation and indeed have many more options in how their lives can be organised.
When working parents have the opportunity to explore different parenting options, magic happens. They discover that choices are available.
Worry 3: How do I deal with discipline issues with my kids?
Because working parents have limited time at home, there is a desire to make that time as enjoyable as possible – it is often called “quality” time. There is therefore a tendency to avoid conflict if possible. When conflict does arise, it is generally around some kind of a discipline issue that needs to be resolved. Understandably then, this is a key stress point for working parents.
It is further complicated when children spend a significant amount of time in childcare or being cared for by someone else. In these situations, different standards of behaviour and modes of discipline may be in operation so the child may be receiving mixed signals about what is acceptable and what is not.
As children get older, issues of discipline become more challenging as they become more adept at pushing behaviour to the limit.
Worry 4: As a working parent, how can I ensure I’m available for my child when they need me most?
No matter how good working parents are at planning and scheduling their time, there will always be occasions when they are simply not available to their children. Many parents find this situation extremely stressful and can sometimes resent their work place or they may even begin to question themselves and the choices they have made. This is especially the case when children start achieving key development milestones – for example, taking their first step, the first “mama” or “dada,” or birthday celebrations.
As children get older – and especially into the pre-teen and teenage years – the need for parent availability becomes more important. For example, children will often talk about what is on their mind at the most unlikely times and once that moment passes the topic in unlikely to come up again.
The challenge, therefore, for working parents, is to find ways of making themselves available to their children on a more structured and planned basis. Once working parents acknowledge the reality of their availability, they can put in place mechanisms and ways of communicating that will work for their unique situation.
The key to making this happen is for parents to really become expert in how to communicate effectively with children. In our workshops, we help parents to:
• Develop listening skills so that their children feel really understood;
• Create a pattern of communication with their children where the child feels safe in discussing any topic with their parents;
• Establishing family rituals (eg. eating together, TV free evenings, planned game and fun times, and one-on-one “dates” with each child) that facilitate open communication.
Once parents see that they can actually “design” how they want to communicate with their child, a surprisingly amount of the stress and resentment towards their work disappears. In essence, working parents start making proactive choices where they feel more in control of their situation.
We also find that understanding your child’s unique temperament is critical to developing a strong and healthy relationship with your child. Every child has their own unique way of dealing with situations and to a large extent, once a parent understands this, they can adapt their communications approach accordingly. And with multiple children, a different approach will be appropriate for each child. In our workshops, we find it valuable to examine the topic of temperament through exploring the work of Daniel Goleman from Harvard University who developed the concept of Emotional Intelligence (EQ as opposed
to IQ).
Because working parents have limited time with their children, it is critical that this precious time is used well. The best way to do this is for working parents to choose a style of communication that works for their unique family circumstances.
Worry 5: Are my parenting responsibilities holding me back at work?
There is a perception among some working parents that their family responsibilities can have a negative consequence on career success and promotion. This perception is founded on the mistaken belief that quantity of time at work determines success. Research now clearly shows that truly effective people are those that have the balance right between their family and work lives.
While it is true that working parents have many constraints on their time – for example, the need to leave work at set times, the need for flexibility around childcare and emergencies, and dealing with unpredictable child sickness – in the longer term, workers who perceive that their employers are supportive have increased loyalty and better productivity.
The five worries we have identified above are manageable and smart organisations are beginning to see that it makes good business sense to help their employees with these matters. Providing your staff with training and workshops to reflect on their unique role and responsibilities as a working parent is a worthwhile investment.
